Words I wish were left unspoken

Seven years ago, I was disrupted from the innocent little thoughts I had. It was the year where I first realized my parent's corrupted marriage. They carelessly fought in front of me, oblivious to the little girl who once thought their marriage was a true Disney story. It shattered me into pieces. I still remember following my mother into her car, in the pitch darkness at 11 o'clock at night. She drove away with me in the backseat and occasionally sobbed to herself. We stopped at my preschool and slept the whole night there, with nothing but the waning street lights to comfort us. I, like every other little kid was tremendously afraid of the dark, but I couldn't yearn for my mother to comfort me…for she was already a mess herself. The night dragged by slowly…a few days later, my parents fought again and this time I had  a better understanding of what a divorce is. I was a pretty smart little kid. My mom then brought up the divorce paper. I can't remember what happened next because I was held back in my grandmother's arms. My grandmother was weak, but she managed to hold me back…I was thrashing back and forth with anger and sorrow. My mom then left the house and I was prone to follow her again, but I found no strength left in myself to do so…and she had already driven away. Without wanting to do so, my grandparents dragged me to school that afternoon. (I had tutoring) I was still weeping.

I managed to hold my tears back when I got out of the car. I knew what embarrassment meant and I held in my tears. I didn't want my friends to see that I am still a baby… because no one cries in the second grade anymore. Once I stepped through the doors of the classroom, room 24…I couldn't manage to hold back the tears anymore. I found no strength in doing so. I didn't care if my friends saw me weep. I could care less. So there, in the back corner of the room, I sat bawling my little eyes out. Not gathering in any information the tutor was instructing. Then it was break time and I stayed inside the classroom as all of my friends went out to play.

My tutor, Ms. T went up to me and sat next to me. I don't think she was sure of what to do with me either..so she just simply asked, "What's wrong?"

I remember just sobbing and sobbing while explaining to her that my parents were getting a divorce. My vision was blurred but I am sure she had a sad look on her face. A little second grader that knew what a divorce is…is really sad. Well, to me it is. She then told me, "it's going to be ok. They won't divorce. It's just a fight. Don't worry. Everything will be ok."

I just looked at her, hoping she would be right. But I still couldn't find a way to stop the tears from falling.

From that day on I never really knew if my parents were divorced or not, for they still lived together. They still fought tirelessly, but were they divorced? I don't know.

It was three years afterwards that I found out they were divorced. My cousins, who are in their twenties, told me. Confirmed the information to me.

I still remember that very day like it was yesterday..

I went down to get my mom a drink and my cousin was already down there making some food, and she interrogated me, "you do know your parents are divorced right?"

I didn't want to seem like a dolt, so I nodded yes. I don't know why I felt so embarrassed, but I did. I quickly got my mom a glass of water and ran up stairs..trying very hard not to cry. I once again, felt like I was in that car at night that one day. I could feel myself crumble down…I had no faith left.

Then a few years after, I had a social life..I had so many friends and I had everything I ever wanted. My parents still live together, because they didn't want my brother to know. I never looked at them as if they were divorced. It felt like everything was a dream. It was the perfect life for me. I knew where I wanted to be in life and everything.

It all went by great and I was happier than ever…until today.

I'm a grown girl now. I am no longer little. I have a better understanding of love and a bit of everything.

The time that I woke up to right now, my parents have been fighting restless. Getting into the car this morning and having to hear my Dad, yell through the phone at my mom. It hurts. I hate seeing them fight. The worse part is…I can HEAR and UNDERSTAND the disgusting words they say.

I have a better comprehension of what they say and it hurts me even ten times more. Life for us is falling apart..inch by inch.

Then my Dad tells me about how he cries to sleep at night and how he wants to die…

how he wants to stop his medication and just let the disease take over his body.

I, an unexperienced child, couldn't manage to say anything…I just displayed a sad, helpless face.

Eyes brimmed with salt water tears.

I sat there in the passenger seat, mentally scolding myself…why can't I do anything to help my parents.

My Dad just went on and on about how hard life is for him and so on..

Once again, I sat there and…nothing. I just couldn't say anything..and I had nothing to say.

Then as the day went on…I couldn't help but quietly sob to myself once in a while. I snuck in the bathroom at Starbucks and cried for a good couple of minutes. "What have I done to see the sorrows of my parents'?" I felt like a big disappointment. I wish I could grow up faster and help them out with financial crisis and everything…I wish I could just fast forward all of the bad things in life.

It hurts so much to see someone I truly love just break down in front of me. I am torn and I am scarred.

Life is tough. I'm truly scared for the future to come.

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