Oh, junior year, junior year.
What have you done to me?
"Junior year will be the hardest year of your high school career," quoted by many wise graduates
I didn't believe them. Like how bad can school be? Well, right now I am on the borderline of failing two classes. I started off the year with an F in French. I failed a lot of tests to begin with.
People are all wondering, "how the heck did you go from being a straight A student to having B's and C's?"
Let me just remind you that, it is still the very beginning of school. I had a few mental breakdowns after I saw my grades the first week of school. I couldn't handle the fact that I was doing so terribly. I visited the counselor three times, every single week I went to talk to him. I talked to all of my teachers, seeking help. I would cry at night because I didn't know how to cope with the stress of five AP classes.
I didn't want to believe that I was failing. I didn't want to accept it. I just didn't.
Well, it has been four weeks of school now and I still have breakdowns every now and then. I get frustrated with myself and it's giving me an even harder time to separate who I am and grades.
I have this thought process where grades mean everything. Good grades = good college = good job = content = parents happy = life is good = stability
but bad grades = failure = no success = life done
Update: October 07, 2014
Guess who got another panic attack? This girl.
I had spent my entire Saturday going to a picnic and going mini-golfing. I ended up studying for approximately only 2 hours that night. I started freaking out about not studying enough to pass my tests tomorrow. I was in a very very bad condition. I woke up at 5 panicking. I called up my boyfriend and he had to tell me to stop hyperventilating every 30 minutes or so. I only remember telling him I was scared, terrified, afraid, and worried about not having enough time to do what I want. I got really anxious and I started crying. I didn't know what to do. I was too tired to get out of bed at 5 to start studying. I was having a mild panic attack and it just felt like the end of the world for me.
The panic attack was on and off for 3 hours. It was until 8 o'clock that I realized I had driving lessons and volunteering to attend. I decided to call them both off because I just couldn't handle it. I told my Dad about what had happened and decided that I needed some fresh air.
I wanted to study and do homework, but at the same time every time I sit at the same desk, it kind of haunts me. I decided to go study at the park near my boyfriend's house. He, of course, came out to help me study. We got In-N-Out and had ourselves a mini picnic/study date. He made me laugh and helped through my studies.
In conclusion, it's 4:20 right now and well…It's been an amazing day. I've managed to get most of my studying done. I'm just going back and forth with review and whatnot.
I get frustrated every now and then with the work effort I exert, but when compared to a lot of other students I tend to overdo myself. It's scary whenever I take a break, because it means time is ticking. I hope to have another study sort of date because it had really helped me refresh my mind and I felt much much better afterwards. It's a great way to release tension. I hope to do it more often. New study environments are always helpful. (: I'm on a study grind right now. Haha, just took my fifteen minutes of break to write this. Now…back to studying!
WISH MY LUCK ON MY TESTS.