I haven't posted in here for a while so I thought I'd do a little update. 🙂
Life is going by really fast. I remember the first day of school, and now we are almost half way through! I'm so excited to graduate high school, but I'm scared of what is coming for me. I don't know whether I'd get into my dream college, whether I'll be studying near home or far away from home. Whether I'll be only an hour away or 8 hours away. The future is mysterious. Will I be the same person I am today? Probably not. Will I laugh at myself when I re-read this post? Absolutely.
I guess I'll write a letter to my future self:
Dear Janet- never mind, too formal. HI.
Janet, oh Janet- where are you now in the future? Are you 18? Or are you younger or older. Hopefully older because I want to talk to like 18 or 19 years old Janet. I'm currently 16 as I'm writing this to you. Is it too weird? Yes, I'm the past talking to you. Yes, you. I have just finished doing my AP Chem assignment. It was a lot easier than I had expected. Maybe too easy. I have a quiz tomorrow and it's midnight. I'm sorry I messed up your sleeping schedule, 12 is like 10 to you now, and staying up til 2 is no big deal. I remember when you would fall asleep at 11, and couldn't go past 11:30…ahaa, good times. I hope you had somehow managed to get rid of that bad sleeping habit. I'm taking the SAT this weekend, I'm hoping for a decent score. I honestly don't know if I'll do well or…extremely terrible. Let us hope for the best…Maybe you are going to take the SAT again, or if you're reading this much later than hopefully you got the score you had wanted. If not- that's fine too because I know that no matter what you always try your best and you always exert more than 100%. Let me remind you that every single English project in high school so far, you've had perfect scores. I don't even remember one where it wasn't perfect. You always give everything 100%…Recall supply in NJROTC? You were the only officer that didn't know much of the knowledge in military stuff but you knew supply like the back of your hand. Before freshmen year had even started you made it your goal to become the supply officer because you had loved it so much! Well, it's junior year and you're the ONLY junior in the big 6! How exciting. You were terrified of the responsibilities but you are doing extremely well. You can take on anything you want, Janet. I know you can. You have the capabilities to do whatever you want.
Do you still enjoy chemistry as much as you have been for the last two years? Are you done with college apps? What majors did you put down? Do you still want to be a pharmacist? Do you still want to do research? Do you want a chemistry major or biology major? How are you doing in your classes? Or…better yet are you in college? What college are you going to?
Let me tell you this, if it is not UCLA then that's fine too because you probably love the college you're going to. I know that your ultimate dream ever since like seventh grade was to get into UCLA, but if you didn't then that's totally fine because all I care about is that you are pursuing your dreams. You have been for the last 11 years of schooling. You've achieved high points, you've done everything you can to get to where you are today and I'm proud of you. ABSOLUTELY. Never give up on your dreams…I know you will struggle but remember that it gets better. I've gone through probably over 5 anxiety attacks within 3 months of school, and I feel fine now! I actually almost had one today because I took a nap and woke up extremely late! But I managed to get my homework done at 9! I hope you've improved your mental health because I'm working on it. I haven't checked my grades in MONTHS. But whatever my outcomes in school are…I know that it is my BEST. I put in my best all the time and I hope you haven't stopped doing so.
If you're not in college, then I hope you have a good reason why!!! I know you Janet, and I know you wouldn't put off college. But if something life changing had happened then…I can only hope that it is for our benefits. For your health. I know life is rough, but it's never going away- it's up to you to make the changes in your life. So please don't give up on me. I have faith in you, Janet. I hope within the next 6 years you'd make it out of grad school at UCSF or Johns Hopskins or something! 😀 Always give it your best because your best is the best there is out there.
So how's your love life in the future, eh? Hahaha, lets hope you didn't end up with like 5 dogs in an apartment or studio. Well, right now you have an amazing kickass boyfriend. Daniel Lozano, remember him? Yeah, I hope he is still with you!!! Because right now, past Janet is saying that he is the one for you. If not, then don't hate him…because right now he has been treating me like an absolute PRINCESS. He makes you the happiest girl every day. He even stayed up with you until 4 in the morning (He has classes to attend too!) on the phone because you were having an anxiety, panic attack. It wasn't just a one time deal- he has been there every single time you had a panic attack. He's the most caring guy ever…Janet, I hope when you look back at this relationship you remember the happiness of it but not the sadness. If you guys are still together then…well you really need to show him this!! Because this is 16 years old Janet writing. hahahaha. The little lovesick teenage girl getting through junior year of high school. Daniel, if you ever read this in the future (our future) then…how are you doing in college? Are you in grad school yet? Are you still pursuing that medical dream you had? I hope you're treating future Janet well…is she still weirdly obsessed with puppies and Christmas? Does she annoy you with Christmas songs year round? HAHAHA. And if we are not together, then I just want you BOTH to know that in the past you guys were the happiest, strongest couple all around. You guys were totally head over heels for each other and Janet, have you at least beaten him in bowling during the relationship??? please tell me yes. Hahaha. Well, I hope you know that I'm happy for you both whether it's still strong or it's no longer existent. I just want to remind you that this relationship was a beautiful one.
If you have a different boyfriend, then …I hope he's making you feel like how you did in the past with Daniel. 🙂 I hope he leaves you speechless after kissing you on the forehead. I hope he lets you soak up his sleeve when you watch sad movies together. I hope he doesn't let you win for no reasons. I hope he stays up with you when you get panic attacks. I hope he knows that you love yogurt, Greek yogurt. Last but not least, I hope he is your best friend and boyfriend.
Well, future Janet, I could go on and on and on. And I really want to actually. Hmm, maybe SAT practice can wait for a little bit.
I hope life has been treating you extremely well. I really miss the past and I am the past of your future. I hope you miss me too. I hope that all of this writing whether its on your blog or your journals, I hope you reread them sometime…I try to write as much as I can because I want you to keep every single memory alive in some way or another. I tried my best to record the best and worst things in life for you. Please don't throw anything away because you feel stupid or embarrassed re-reading them. I promise you in the future..future it'll be worth the hoard! 😀 I regret tearing some journals up, but I won't anymore! I will not be ashamed of my past and nor should you because it has definitely made you who you are today- right now.
Here's a word of advice for you:
When you have panic attacks, call someone please. When you start worrying too much, just go outside for a hike. Breathe, focus on someone's voice. Your health should be over everything else. Without it there is no everything else. So please be careful Janet. I know you hate asking people for help or bother people but you need to remember that it is your life on the line. You've gone to the hospital 3 times because of this and have spent 6 months in therapy. Please don't ever give up on me Janet. I almost did a couple of times and it's stupid. Don't let your emotions determine your actions. It's not worth anything. You've tried a lot of things, you've done reckless stuff to your body- please don't shut people out when you feel sad. There is someone out there who will be willing to help you.
Another thing, don't overwork yourself. I don't know if you have a part time job or not right now but just don't overwork yourself, it is not worth the risk! You tend to bite more than you can chew. Sometimes it takes you a long time to chew (btw: do you still eat extremely slow???) or sometimes you just spit it all out. So focus on one thing at a time, I promise you'll be fine! Life goes on okay? Oh and if you have a part time job, what is it?? (I'm getting a part time pharmacy job this upcoming summer!!!) I hope you are not selfish with the money you make, but at the same time please don't spend it too extravagantly! Oh and if you do have enough to spoil yourself, please buy a Kate Spade bag or planner because I love Kate Spade. HEHEHE.
Hey, are you healthy and fit??? if not you better be going to the gym every now and then!!! I don't want you to have a fat butt and a pudgy tummy. You need to eat healthy too. Just run miles every morning, okay? 😀 hahaha. I hope you live somewhere woodsy or beachy or urban. Or possibly country! Doesn't matter to me, but I hope you live somewhere nice. oR IF YOU STILL LIVE HERE THERE'S A TWENTY FOUR HOURS GYM. GO TO IT.
Well, it is now 12:40 and I am getting sleepy. I will probably do SAT practice until I can't handle it. ^_^
I am proud of you for not giving up and making it thus far.
You have done nothing but great things. Thank you for this amazing journey Janet. You're a wonderful person and I totally sound narcissistic…but in order to appreciate and love things in life, you gotta love yourself first. I'm starting to and I hope YOU love yourself.
Tell your parents I said Hello and your brother too! (Today he made me make him fried rice with spam that smelled like beef jerky and crushed up kettle corn @11PM)
Have a wonderful life Ms. Janet Nguyen, I shall live through the words you read today.
Never give up, stand up, and keep on running because in the end everything will be okay.
Work with time, don't work against time.
-Janet Nguyen from the past 2014 December 05