Closure

My boyfriend of three years called me yesterday at 3 in the morning to tell me that he has been cheating on me for 8 months now. We celebrated our three years anniversary two days before he called me on the phone. She was on the phone next to him.

Needless to say, I didn’t stay on the phone for very long. I hung up.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

There is so much I would like to say to you but I can’t. I have decided to write it out. Ever since yesterday night, I’ve been writing in the Notes app of my iPhone every single little thought that came up until this very minute. If you were here right now, I would ask you why. Why did it turn out to be like this.I feel so sick just thinking about our used to be relationship. How can you say you love and care for me when you cheated on me. No matter what you say, I don’t want to trust your words anymore. I’ve trusted you for the past eight months just to find out that you have been lying to me. All the I love you’s, all the fake promises of the future. You should get an Oscar’s award for Best Leading Actor.

I never saw you as one to cheat. You’re so brilliant and talented and you have big dreams in front of you. No one saw you as one to cheat, especially for 8 months long. I stood by you during these 8 months. I tried to make our relationship work because I thought we were having communication issues because of my decision to go to school up north while you stayed south. I hated myself for choosing to be so far away. I did everything I could to save what I thought was worth saving. You even told me, you’d continue to put effort in because the relationship was worth it. This was two months ago. You were with her for 8 months. I stood by you when you went through depression and gave you space because you said you needed it. I gave you time and patience because you had a busy college schedule. Little did I know, busy meant kissing another girl. I am stupid and blind.

I never saw you as the bad guy and even now, I still wish you are a good guy. I loved you unconditionally for three years. I wore the ring you got me for three years without taking it off ever and I have a callous to prove it. I hugged your bear every night, hoping that it was you instead. While you hugged another girl.

You told me that you loved her more than anything. Well, let me tell you this. I loved you more than anything. Imagine loving someone more than anything and having them crush you by saying they cheated on you for 8 months. When you stopped loving me, why couldn’t you just spare me the pain and end it. Why did you lead me on for 8 months. 8 painful months. Remember when we went to Vegas and you were cold. I gave up my one and only blanket and gave it to you because I was scared you might get sick or have an asthma attack.

I walk by Cinnabon, theaters, sushi, and arcades thinking of you. It kills me. My dad tried to hug me and my cousin tried to pat me to calm down but I don’t want anyone to touch me because it burns. It burns where you used to lay your hands. Where you used to touch me. How you would hug me. Every time someone touches me, it burns because that’s where your fingers used to be and I don’t want to be associated with you anymore.

You told me that I could get past this. Well, how about you tell me more about what I could do. Please. Because right now, I am defeated. I am weak. I can’t find that strength inside of me. Every time I do, I start to feel sick. I start to bawl.

Today, I threw up twice after I ate little amounts. I threw up. I feel so sick to the point where I can’t even swallow my food anymore. I don’t have the energy anymore. You sucked my oxygen away. My throat is blocked and my stomach feels the toxins you have fed me the past 8 months through your fake kisses. I sleep late and I wake up at 1am, waiting for 3am to creep up and pass knowing you wouldn’t call me because I don’t want to replay that message in my head. I wake up hearing your voice telling me there is someone else. There is someone else. There is someone else. I was gutted.

I don’t want to go back home anymore because you’re there. I don’t want to be associated with you anymore. I don’t want to know that you exist. I want to think it was all but a dream and that nothing actually happened. You were such a dream come true until you proved to me you were a nightmare instead. You did me wrong but here I am still wishing you the best in life. Knowing that you’re gonna go far and succeed and become the person you want to become because I know that you are passionate about what you love.

I pray that you don’t treat anyone else like that way you’ve treated me. i pray that you don’t get cheated on like the way you did to me. Because this hurts. It eats you from the inside out. It swallows you whole. It consumes your time and the world feels like it’s caving in on you. It feels like a sinkhole. You can’t have normal conversations anymore. You cry when you’re reminded of that person. You question your worth and you question what you did wrong. You doubt other’s love. You start building up walls. You start hiding away from people. You don’t want to talk anymore. You don’t want to be yourself anymore. You don’t want to live another second because you don’t know what you did to ever deserve this. Most importantly, you don’t want to love anymore. You don’t want to open up anymore. You open up and the next thing you know, he or she has already long gone betrayed you.

My vision comes and goes every now and then because of the tears clouding my vision. My parents feel as if they are weak and as if they have failed because I have failed myself. I have failed to be strong. They taught me how to be strong, independent but now that you’ve put me up to the test, I’ve failed how to be strong.

There is so much I would like to say to you. So much. But if I ever do get to say it in front of you, I think I would just break down and the last thing I’d see is the image of you walking away not giving a single care in the world. Just like how you did at 3 am.

Tomorrow I will be packing all of the things that remind me of you. I will take myself away from memories of you. I will be empty again. Until i can find myself once again and take back what you have taken and stomped on, i will be empty. I am an empty vessel.

I wish you the very best in life and I wish everything works out for you. You were once my future and present but you’re now just the past. A little snippet of my life. I will grow and become stronger. Thank you for the experience and I hope this was an experience for you too. I would ask you to talk but I think it would hurt too much more to know your side of the story.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid and I think for the both of us, lets just leave it as:

this is where our story ends.

From the bottom of my heart,

Janet N.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Anonymous says:

    This made me so sad! I came across your blog in the FB group blogging networkers. I hope things have improved for you now. I really like your writing style and the way you addressed your pain and heartache so openly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thaojanet says:

      Aww thank you so much for reading and commenting! This means a lot to me and I am doing a lot better now! ☺️✨

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s