As you all know or didn’t know, I was in a relationship for quite some time up until 6 months ago. Long story short, I was with a great guy for 3 years and he made a mistake so we ended. I feel like this post needs to be created to give me some form of relief and to get everyone on the same page so that no one is quick to judge the guy that was involved in this unfortunate event since my last post, Closure, was really negative.
The first few months were so rough. Actually, it was bad- really bad. (You can read all about it in Closure!) I hid and I kept to myself a lot. I think my friends and roommates can attest for this. But how bad it was is not the point. The point is that I was able to find positivity through the series of negative events. It really dawned on me that the way you approach something is so important. It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters. I started to focus on myself more and focused on how to grow and heal.
The guy that took me on this roller coaster ride, I honestly loved him dearly even after the fact. I still care deeply about him, and I know that his mistake will not and should not define him. What he did was unjustifiably wrong and that’s fine because mistakes are made to be learned from. Yes, I understand most people think I’m unbelievably naive or nice for even forgiving someone who has definitely left a bruise for the longest time and made me question my worth. But I don’t think I could ever hate someone who was so good to me for about five years to judge them based on one mistake they made.
The memories made with this guy still lives in my heart. I thought that I would hate all of the places we used to spend majority of our time together and I did when I first came home for spring break vacation. I hated being at home because I didn’t want to even go down the streets we used to drive around. I would despise going to the theaters, arcades, certain restaurants, and just being in my hometown was uncomfortable. Over time, I started incorporating what we used to do together with everyone around me. I shared all the memories we had together by opening to others and revisiting certain locations. I realized that the memories forged at certain places were great- perfect even. It was pure happiness and to twist and turn it into something negative wasn’t a form of recovering- it was coping. Instead of trying to recover from the incident, I found myself just trying to cope and after realizing the difference I started to see myself grow and become happier. Recovering to me was accepting what happened and not playing dirty mind tricks to create this cloud of negativity whereas coping was just me trying to block everything out and telling myself that everything associated with this person is toxic therefore I must avoid at all costs.
These places aren’t reminders of how it all ended but it is a reminder of how great the beginning was.
I love revisiting these areas and being able to tell others that yeah I was here with him last time and we discovered this new restaurant here and we found a cool cave over there and I think you’ll like it so let me show you! I’ve found it easier to keep someone as a positive factor in my life than to look back at them and think of the negativity. It was easier for me to get over this relationship by remembering the goods. I found it extremely harder to look at all of the “bad” because it would mean unraveling all sorts of pain. Whether it be noticing all the red flags now or just blaming myself for all the wrong reasons we fell. I always thought that it was going to be easy to get over someone or something just based on the mere reason that they hurt you- but it wasn’t. It wasn’t because then all of the great memories will come back and you’ll just have to find reasons to ignore what was so great about it. It became harder to block out hundreds of happy memories just because of one bad incident. So why not embrace the good and slowly let time do the healing for you?
It’s been six months now and I did meet up with him to talk about our situation and how it came down to this very moment. The talk started out with a lot of crying and explaining but then eventually we both reached a middle ground. It was a learning moment for the both of us. It felt like we both tried something out, then it crashed and burned, then we waited for the flames to go out, then met up and reflected on what happened. It was interesting to say the least. Not something I expected to do after a disastrous break up but I’m glad we gave each other a chance.
I just want to say that I treasure the time I got to spend with him and the memories we made. They are nothing but sweet memories and I don’t intend for it to become a reminder of what went wrong anymore. I don’t want a horrible end to consume a great beginning. I’ve learned to look back at the good memories and keep it that way. There’s no reason for me to spoil three years of happiness because of one phone call. Yes, I do get sad from time to time thinking about it but that’s just how life goes. It’s never perfect and our feelings come and go but what matters most is that we remain stable and focused on what makes us happy.
For those who know him, don’t let this change what you thought of him before all this. He’s still brilliant and absolutely amazing. He made a mistake and he knows that. I will still vouch for him because I know that he has owned up to his mistake and has already gone through enough. Remember, there are two sides to a story. Many have told me that they were disappointed in him and yes, I was too but you know what, we make mistakes all the time. We hurt those we love and we don’t always think before we act. We can’t please everyone and we disappoint people all the time whether we intend to or not. We’re all just learning and growing. He’s still trying to find himself so if you have any ill thoughts of him because of his actions, just understand that he’s been through a lot as well. We can only become better if we help each other grow into better versions of ourselves. Don’t turn back on those who didn’t know better and instead help them through it. Life is complex and full of curveballs, and it sucks going through it alone. I found it so helpful to just spend some time with him to talk it out and work on how we can become better from this and to use it as a platform to move forward.
I’m doing much better. I’m recovering, and I’m pushing forward at full speed. It was a blessing getting to know you, D. You’re on the upswing right now so keep going. You got this, and I believe in you!