I’ve really been neglecting this blog ever since school started, and I feel so bad for doing so. I’m really going to try to write more (I say this like every time) since it is a form of creativity outlet for me and just a relaxing sort of activity that I love implementing into my daily life. Here is why I write to be quite honest: So recently, I went through a panic and anxiety attack because of academic stress. It all started probably at night and continued into next morning. I had to skip class that morning because I just couldn’t go five minutes without breaking down- bawling. It was bad, to say the least!
I remember going to school about 2 hours later after thinking I had already recovered because I had to deliver something to a friend. Wrong. I remember getting on the bus and the bus doors basically closed before I had fully entered so my backpack and hair were caught in the doors. In my head, I just thought of how many people were probably staring at me in my disheveled state on that bus. (No one probably even noticed, to be honest.) I went to the corner and held back tears. My heart started racing even more and it was starting to get harder to breathe, but I had to make it to school to deliver something so I remained composure. I remember getting off and listening to a podcast by Estee Lalonde in order to remain calm and collected.
I went to the usual building that I always hide away in and waited. And waited. And waited. I texted my friend to let her know that I was here. I waited some more. She then texted back saying she had skipped class and wasn’t at school. I remember at that instant tears kept coming out. I couldn’t stop crying because I again felt panic. I was freaking out because plans didn’t go through. Nothing was right. I picked up all of my stuff and headed out to the bus station again. I was starting to panic even more.
On the bus ride home, I remember sitting in the one-person only seat and all of a sudden, tears started to burst out. Surprise, surprise. I walked back to my apartment, but instead decided to stay in my car since I didn’t want anyone to see me in this state. I remember texting my parents telling them that I’m sorry for being a failure sometimes, that I’m not good enough, and I’m going to disappoint them. I remember just going through the entire process alone and not having anyone to really talk to because I was so embarrassed.
Two hours passed and I was still sitting in my car, bawling uncontrollably. I started heaving for air, and I remember at that very instant I told myself, “Oh God. I’m going to have a full fledged panic attack. I need a paper bag. Why am I even here.” My head started to feel fuzzy and numb- due to lack of oxygen. I started feeling the tingles coarse throughout my body. It was the worst feeling ever. It was not my first time going through panic attacks, but this was definitely different. It was a lonelier experience. Normally, I had someone to lean on and someone to tell me how to breathe properly. This time, I didn’t. I had to tell myself how to breathe again. How to exhale and inhale. It was hard, but the pain did pass eventually.
After the whole incident, I was able to collect myself together again. To present myself back into society as what I deemed to be “Janet.” Someone who is composed and calm. It sucked. It really does. To have someone ask me later that day, “How was your day?” My response, “It’s okay! Could’ve been better, but just okay.” It made me feel lonely to be honest. I felt isolated from the rest of the world. I didn’t want to bother people with my own issues.
So I write. I write out how I feel and share it with you! My form outlet is through writing, and I’m so happy to have been able to share my life with you the past few months. I know that most of y’all probably won’t even read the whole entirety of it, but at least I was able to let it out somewhere to someone. If you did read it all the way, know that you’re not a failure when you feel like you are. Know that you’re growing at a different speed than everyone else, and you’re going to get to where you are as long as you don’t lose your focus. Call your parents because they have great advice.
My dad’s advice: “You need to focus on one thing at time. You want to give back to everyone but you’re forgetting to give back to yourself. Do that first. In this state, you can’t help anyone. Starting tonight, do 30 minutes of yoga everyday.”
Anyways! I hope to be back soon and hopefully come up with more interesting stuff for you all. Thank you for supporting me through my hiatus.
P.S. I’m doing much better and am not in the bawling out of nowhere state anymore.
P.S.S. I’m going to actually try to do yoga as advised by my dad. I just have to understand that there is enough time in a day for me to do both academics and self love. Peace.